There is no way to backdate entrys so far and I wanted to add in some things I had written on another journal site. Please forgive me if this post throws you off.

So I own more of the Car than I thought I did :: Tuesday, November 6th, 2001

I hate calling Volkswagen. I really detest it almost as much as my new cell phone but that's a whole different story. I know that the automated voice I'm listening to can't actually sense the fear from my fingertips as a press one for the payoff amount today. Logically, you have the right to call up and access any of this information any time and as many times as you want. Why then does it disturb me? I just know that THEY know that I know that I can't begin to make my payment this month.

The thing is I love my car. I adore my Passat. I even named it fortune on a whim. I bought it on a whim too. I had planned everything out before I even opted to make a trip to the dealership. I knew which model, which options, and which car. It wasn't the Passat. No, I was going to be the proud owner of its baby sister, the Jetta. Good strong choice and just within my budget.

Probably where I fucked up was taking my ex-boyfriend along. Most likely where I fucked up was taking my ex-boyfriend who owed me money along. Yeah, I fucked up taking the ex-boyfriend along. And I even bet I knew this in the deep dark recesses of my mind that day. Look what denial can do to a person. They can leave the dealership with a Passat!

A agreement was struck that day between the ex-boyfriend and I. The money he owed me would go towards paying the Passat off that September. And we both knew that sure as hell, I couldn't afford to make those payments if he didn't come through. Oh, a promise is a promise is just words no one else heard.

Gee, September where did it go? Not to mention the ex-boyfriend. Both had disappeared like the money that I once called my bank account. Slipped away, moved to Nevada, left no forwarding address...but did leave me with a car payment.

Back to holding with Volkswagen. Back to the digital voice announcing the cost on the other side. Back to the relief that I only owe $12,706.00 instead of the imagined $14,000.00. A sigh. A deep sigh.

Now when I hand the car over to my father, he can breath a deep sigh too. He's getting a better deal than he thought in taking over the payments. He'll be sighing and I'll be feeling like I've abandoned yet another on the wayside of this desperate fight to stay afloat in this economy. My Passat. My first expression of freedom from the ex-boyfriend and yet a binding stabbing pain of the control he kept until the end.

So then later, online chatting I tell a friend that I actually owe less than I thought. His response - Just think, you own more of the car than you thought you did.

What does that mean? I own more of the car than I thought I did? I don't own it all. That's where Volkswagen fits in. That's where the fear fits in. That's why I'm calling today. I might hate it but they need to know where Fortune is.