Day Three :: Onward Motion and a Question of Prozac

Yesterday, the misery of missing my sister and the kids settled upon me. I hadn't heard from her for days. Of course, started thinking about the hols and burst into tears. Which considering all, is pretty strange and confusing in itself. Thanksgiving came and went. I stayed home unaffected by it all. Me, TV, and a microwave burrito was satisfying. The ability to be alone was blessed in the moment. I was also coming out of the show cold. That may have had something to do with the ease of satisfaction.

But Christmas? Why should I be upset with Christmas? It wasn't a tradition in our family. It was a pagan and taboo holiday. We only started really celebrating it when Aprille had the kids. Well, that and when I was dating Chris. He and his family were really big on Christmas. I hate to admit it but Christmas makes me miss him and I don't even like him anymore. It really makes me miss the good things that we had together. It may have been real evil at times. There were good parts though else why would I have stayed as long as I did?

Missing my sister, missing the kids, missing Chris... Maybe not missing Chris as much as missing the good times and feelings of being together that the Holidays try to engender. It's hard having everything around you pushing something you don't have. TV, movies, magazines all portraying this other lifestyle. No wonder people get depressed and lonely. The people who make prozac must love this time of year. I bet their sales skyrocket...

I got stood up. What a horrible rotten feeling to have. And what a wonderful non-sequitur in the middle of my I miss everything rant.

The day I pick to miss everything and everyone. I got stood up. It was only day three of re-entry into life, i.e. job over. Usually it takes a little longer to hit this low. I guess I just need to get stood up more often. So I sat and played piano and tried to question how it could happen.

Did I say something wrong? Maybe he forgot?

No. No.

Then something awful happened to him?

No.

Well, then what the hell is wrong with me? That's always a good follow-up to the first three. Which leads to lamenting over the last three awful dumps.

1. My ex-girlfriend is moving back.
2. You stress me out.
3. Something, something, something...I should have told you but now I'm telling you on your birthday instead.

Shit! Now, I'm back to what the hell is wrong with me. And a further no, really WHAT THE HELL is wrong with me? Quick emergency call to a friend to repeat discussion of what the hell is wrong with me only to try to turn it unsuccessfully into what the hell is wrong with him.

Only one thing comes to mind at the end. Tomorrow it won't matter. Tonight I just feel miserable and over nothing. Nothing should matter this much that it hurts me. Then thinking and thinking about it, I decide that it's just rotten. The thing that makes it rotten is that I can't really get too upset about it. And I want to be enraged over it. I want to scream and scream and stomp my left foot very loudly. And that's just not possible. It's probably not okay to behave that way. But FUCK IT, in this moment I just don't give a fuck who thinks what or cares what. Finally, it comes down to its not about being stood up or about missing my family. I think I'm just tired. Tired of being fucked over. Tired of doing the right thing. Tired of behaving.

Just tired. Maybe there is something to that Prozac stuff. Although Primal Screaming sounds just a tad more adventurous...

BGP :: Holidays put to Bad Music

Not much going on today. I planned to go to the movies today. Sorta felt like a good first day off rainy type activity. I ended up going over to the Fillmore to help Jen decorate for her Christmas Party. It was a bit like what Tim's parties would be like if he had a bigger venue, more help, and more money.

The time spent there was more than amusing. It felt nice to be on the outside of stress and pressure for once. I just sat back and watched the political battles ensue. What a strange world BGP is. I know I'd never have gone down there to volunteer if it wasn't for Jen. Especially, after all that union mess with the Rolling Stones concert. I can't give of my time to a company that would fuck unions over in that way. It was equally awful to be there and hear them make fun of my striking Teamster Brothers in a Holiday Song for their Christmas Skits. That was excruciating. Anyone with union sensibilties wouldn't be able to listen to that. I most definitely wouldn't want to attend that party.

It's really fucking cold here in the flat. I wish it wasn't. I hadn't noticed that the weather was creeping down the thermometer. Too much time spent at work. Rather be cold than be dancing to a scab's tune...

Save Something :: The Way Back

Today, the last day. A few minor things to clear up and officially I'm done. I spent this morning in Steward's Report Hell.

Note to self: Never get that sick again on a job. Update Steward's Reports daily!

I did get them done and turned into the Hall before 2 PM which was pretty good timing considering I had the entire show's worth to do in a couple hours. I also put in some time at the office handing in invoices and chatting. I brought my photos down to share with the Production Office. It's always nice to get a look at the things you don't get to see when you're stuck behind the desk. I remember oh so well...

I still have some work to do on the Continuity Book and a G-Job to finish. I'm giving myself until the New Year to get that done. I'm still pushing myself too hard. A latent effect from the show. My mind and body still aren't accepting the idea that it's okay to slow down now. I started getting a migraine last night before I headed out to Broadway. I woke up with it hanging around this morning. By the time, I was ready to leave the office around 5 PM, I was in agony and denial. I was getting a wake up call from somewhere to take it at an easier pace.

I find myself thinking about the main character in Gattaca when I start to realize I'm pushing myself this hard. He used to race his older brother in the ocean. He asks his brother in a pivotal scene if he knew why he always won? He said it was because he never saved anything for the way back. He gave it all for the race.

That's me. That's all my strength, my weaknesses, and faults. It's what makes me good at what I do and awlful at my personal life. Everyday, I gave it all to and for the movie. I never left anything to take me home, to keep me well, or to live my life. I have to question this. I have to wonder if there is a better way...

While I figure it out, I'll download and enjoy the simple pleasures. I have a new bed, a flush bank account, and a way back to normal.

Melded Issues :: Time to get up off the Floor

If I wasn't so tired all the time. I'd really have some great things to post here. This last month or so has been a whirlwind. I don't think I ever stopped working except when I was forced to go to sleep. Geez, I wish there were either more hours in a day or I had a better body. Since I am not getting either, I have to do the best with what I've got.

I don't know where to begin. It's incredibly strange to be having a career moment almost immediately after having such a horrible low only two or three months ago. I've gone from almost drowning in misery to being overcome with kindness. If I hadn't been so deathly ill I probably would have appreciated that more. That all goes back to the lack of time and better body issues.

The crew is pretty damn amazing on this show. All incredibly talented in their own rights. Tonight, if I can ever get my ass up off the floor, I am supposed to go over to the Parkside to see Issac's band. They're called the Crosstops. He describes it as Truckin' Punk I think. Currently, I feel as though the floor, time, and my body has stopped and melded into one entity. This going out is going to be difficult.