Day Three :: Onward Motion and a Question of Prozac

Yesterday, the misery of missing my sister and the kids settled upon me. I hadn't heard from her for days. Of course, started thinking about the hols and burst into tears. Which considering all, is pretty strange and confusing in itself. Thanksgiving came and went. I stayed home unaffected by it all. Me, TV, and a microwave burrito was satisfying. The ability to be alone was blessed in the moment. I was also coming out of the show cold. That may have had something to do with the ease of satisfaction.

But Christmas? Why should I be upset with Christmas? It wasn't a tradition in our family. It was a pagan and taboo holiday. We only started really celebrating it when Aprille had the kids. Well, that and when I was dating Chris. He and his family were really big on Christmas. I hate to admit it but Christmas makes me miss him and I don't even like him anymore. It really makes me miss the good things that we had together. It may have been real evil at times. There were good parts though else why would I have stayed as long as I did?

Missing my sister, missing the kids, missing Chris... Maybe not missing Chris as much as missing the good times and feelings of being together that the Holidays try to engender. It's hard having everything around you pushing something you don't have. TV, movies, magazines all portraying this other lifestyle. No wonder people get depressed and lonely. The people who make prozac must love this time of year. I bet their sales skyrocket...

I got stood up. What a horrible rotten feeling to have. And what a wonderful non-sequitur in the middle of my I miss everything rant.

The day I pick to miss everything and everyone. I got stood up. It was only day three of re-entry into life, i.e. job over. Usually it takes a little longer to hit this low. I guess I just need to get stood up more often. So I sat and played piano and tried to question how it could happen.

Did I say something wrong? Maybe he forgot?

No. No.

Then something awful happened to him?

No.

Well, then what the hell is wrong with me? That's always a good follow-up to the first three. Which leads to lamenting over the last three awful dumps.

1. My ex-girlfriend is moving back.
2. You stress me out.
3. Something, something, something...I should have told you but now I'm telling you on your birthday instead.

Shit! Now, I'm back to what the hell is wrong with me. And a further no, really WHAT THE HELL is wrong with me? Quick emergency call to a friend to repeat discussion of what the hell is wrong with me only to try to turn it unsuccessfully into what the hell is wrong with him.

Only one thing comes to mind at the end. Tomorrow it won't matter. Tonight I just feel miserable and over nothing. Nothing should matter this much that it hurts me. Then thinking and thinking about it, I decide that it's just rotten. The thing that makes it rotten is that I can't really get too upset about it. And I want to be enraged over it. I want to scream and scream and stomp my left foot very loudly. And that's just not possible. It's probably not okay to behave that way. But FUCK IT, in this moment I just don't give a fuck who thinks what or cares what. Finally, it comes down to its not about being stood up or about missing my family. I think I'm just tired. Tired of being fucked over. Tired of doing the right thing. Tired of behaving.

Just tired. Maybe there is something to that Prozac stuff. Although Primal Screaming sounds just a tad more adventurous...