Ok, I'm looking for my diaries today. I have a yen to do this little thing called Mortified. I guess I was inspired. Instead of finding my diaries, I stumbled onto journals filled with writing from as far back as grammar school. And I come to find the same images and themes were in my work even then. I've been searching my whole life I guess for meaning and understanding…

Found a few things that still resonant with me too. Some are just so funny and cliché that I love them to death.

One is this song I wrote for a friend's band. I can vividly remember the night at his house - The guitar, me and Shea. I think I could even figure the tune if I thought about it.

I'm on the road

with my suitcase

stepping lightly

through the dust

of the busstop

still can see your face

from the window

whispering words

I'll remember

You know you're not alone

In the Desert

Searching for a soul

Blood Red Sunsets

Please take me home

Won't you take me home?

It seems like I've been

walking home forever

twisting, falling

always starting down the road

of never feeling

but never, never reaching home

finding home

(interlude)

Will you find me?

Can you find me?

Will you bring me?

Will you bring me home

From the desert

sitting in the road

on my suitcase

no more footsteps

through the dust

waiting at the busstop

for you to bring me home.

And these two poems from frigging years ago when I was sorting thru everything within my head about C. –

Pack My Bags

Can I pack my bags?

If

I'm ready to go?

Too tired to keep

Fighting eternally so…

Could I pack my bags?

And

Set them out on the step

Easy to access as I

Scream through the screen door

Too fond of the silence

Oh, come back for more…

To

Pack my bags

Do I dare take all of my shit?

Plus a little of you

See how I get

Sick of the hurting continually so…

I'm packing my bags.

I'm ready to go.

Closed Doors

You

with your hand all around my heart

You

lie secretly in bed

find the other in your pocket

absentmindedly messing with my head

Yes, you

with your mouth

your lips latched onto my breast

drinking in my passions

while pain is writhing in my chest

And you,

with my soul

screaming through your pores

I'm allowed on the front porch

but never in the door

So

heavy is my heart

lying in your hand

So

weary is my heart

of beating with this man

So

painful is my heart

which no one understands

So

where is my heart?

Please return it if you can.

And then this excerpt… I think it was an exercise in writing a character. I must have picked an actress or some sort of performer to base it on – but I sorta still like the writing:

"Is it hard not being center stage?" they ask me.

"Is it difficult not being the centerfold?"

I look at them and say, "It's hard not being a spectacle."

"Craving the attention, the heat of the lights burning into my skin… The sensation of all eyes on me, commanding the attention of the crowd, demanding even – my star pretense. That attraction between me and my audience, charisma, whatever you call it. I could sure seduce them all one by one or a hundred at a time. Making them feel as if I'd spoken just for them. Spoken their innermost secrets, understood their hidden desires as they sat and worshipped me. The icon, the idol, the body, me. In the end, what was it really about? Truthfully, the spectacle."

"Now, let's get down to business and start discussing why we're doing this right now. That would be the subject, the verb, the noun, all me. Created and set forth by me and you can't argue that ever. Even if I seem vain and conceited, you're still here reading what I put down on paper. And spectacle aside, it's still an entertaining life."

And then I found this which is empowering:

My Rules

1. Rules are to made to be broken if the situation fits except rule # 3.
   
2. Today is not tomorrow. Tomorrow is not Today. Act in the Now. Live in the Now.
   
3. Beware the Moon. Woman shall not make no decisions under the influence of PMS. For one week each month, let no heavy decision be made!
   
4. My thing is my own. I'll share it with whom I please. If I value them and they value me.
   
5. There are too many rules in the world. Make them and then break them as you go along.
   
6. Don't watch Jerry Maguire. It makes me cry every time. That kid is so frigging cute.