It's not Starving - It's Food Conservation :: The New New Diet

It's not eating. It's not dieting. And most definitely never called starving. It's the New New Diet. I call it Food Conservation.

Food Conservation is the neo-cult of non-eating. I figure it's going to be a huge thing. It's hip. It's politically correct. And what's more, it's easily accessible to the masses. Food Conservation will cost you less than anyother diet out there. Food Conservation is far reaching. It blurs the color lines. You can too be a Food Conservationist. You don't need anyone's permission. You don't need to wear a uniform. And what more, you don't need any special gimmicks. Just say no to food!

Note to self:: Find a better slogan than just say no!

I'll naturally get all the anorexics on board. It's just what they're looking for - Someone to confirm what they knew all along. Non-eating is not starving - just looking good. The bulimics will be blackballed though. They're not much for conservation being that they waste the natural resource of food. Sure, they're thin but they blaspheme against the very dignity of foodstuffs. Indeed, we shall fight the plague of bulimia that is endangering all food everywhere. Especially ice cream and brownies. That will get us all the old harpies looking for a cause to fight in their Junior Leagues and Social Societies. They're for anything that will keep them herion thin without the unfortunate withdrawals. Through them we can spread the cult and indoctrinate others.

Note to self:: Develop super cool brainwashing techniques!

Next, we'll get that chick Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous to be our Spokesmodel. She hasn't eaten in years. She survives on cigarettes and Vodka. So we'll totally have sponsorship and backing. Tobacco Lobby and Alcohol. We'll have such a cool clubhouse!

Of course, we'll have to get coffee too. But we need the alcoholics because they're fun and it's easier to stay drunk when you conserve food. Come on, this group is just looking for validation of their three bottle a day Jack Daniels habit. We've got it - Food Conservation. So, we'll get them too. Can't forget to snatch up all those phen phen survivors. We can use our super cool brainwashing techniques that I develop on the overweight.

Geez, we can take over the world this way. World Domination through Conservation.

Might be good to draft some Great Depression survivors. The ones that didn't starve to death. They already know how to conserve. Of course, the ones who did die were true conservationists. Saints we could call them. Perhaps, beatifiy some.

After gathering a flock, the Food Network would be our next target. They waste good food all the time. Food should be kept in the refrigerator not set out on the table. For God's sake, someone might eat it there! Food belongs in the cupboards of America not breaking down within our stomachs. Just give food a chance.That's all I ask is give food a chance.

I ask you, how can we have all those animal activists and not consider the Food of the World. Food with noone to speak for it until now. We, the food activists, the food conservationists, people for a well stocked refrigerator...

Note to self :: Ummm, I'm hungry. A little more coffee please?