Being the Movie :: Trust, Trauma, and Turning Thirty

I think about this blog sometimes and wonder am I really taking this on the way I want to. This year has been a shit year. Yes, I think I can agree I am being honest with myself there. Yes, I have left this in disuse and neglect due to the intense trauma I have going thru in my personal and professional life. But then, how do you really separate the two when for the past three months I have living, breathing, and being THE MOVIE.

THE MOVIE - How do I explain the business? How do I explain the lifestyle? Stop! What lifestyle! There is no life perse there is only THE MOVIE. THE MOVIE is your home. THE MOVIE is your family. THE MOVIE is really your relationship. Actually, the only one I've had going on for quite a while. And, at least I can be honest with myself there. The only real relationship I've had is with THE MOVIE. I gave my heart, my soul, and every last ounce of strength to this MOVIE.

I cannot believe I never gave in or up. Sure, I had a nervous breakdown. What's a little throwing yourself on the ground and sobbing uncontrollably in the midst of breaking into your office between co-workers? It's all in a day's work. I may even have had two - give or take a revealing moment. I guess right then and there, a person with a little more common sense or a less dysfunctional background would have quit? I am a true sadist. I finished out the day both times.

I thought being dedicated counted for something. I believed in honesty even in a corrupt business. I had a work ethic beyond all others. Who reaps the benefits? Everyone who was fleecing the company - robbing them blind and smiling the entire time. Fuckers...

And where am I? Tossed out on my ass... Bereft of job, bereft of reputation, bereft of trust and fucking turning thirty.

What do I have to show? Pain like I haven't felt in years. Trauma that keeps replaying everytime I close my eyes. And not even a goddamn credit to ease it...

Getting fired fucking sucks. Not finishing the movie hurts like hell. Hurts even more when I remember how hard it was to keep showing up. It was all I could do to keep the wrap date in sight and cry myself to sleep every fucking night. Feeling so alone while telling myself I was stronger than all those motherfuckers. I had to fucking fight. Fight them. Fight myself. Just not fucking give up. That would have been pleasurable for them to see me fucking fail.

Everyone got what they wanted. In a sense, I did fail. THE MOVIE still gets made. I was professional. I had integrity. I didn't go Postal. All things that only mean something to me. I had to pay with my broken heart and the heavy case of PTSS*. The rest can take their paychecks home along with their cases of water.

While I turn thirty, the clock's still ticking. Nothing is as easy as it was before. Younger and prettier girls are out there. I know - I was one of them once. Baby Gap ads make me cry as idiotic as that sounds. I see couples and families everywhere. I periodically question myself how that dumb fuck can have a family, wife, and a girlfriend? I'm not that unattractive or unintelligent! And shit, most of America is fucking dysfunctional...

Well, at least I'll always have the movies...

And if that relationship sours anymore than it has recently, I could always get a dog or maybe 5 to 10 cats to fill the void...

Maybe I didn't have anything else. Maybe I am alone. Geez, maybe people I know will read this and think I'm a fucking nut. I could fucking care less. You have to be honest. You just can't fuck around and fool yourself. There's not enough time to process thru that shit once you start.

Yes - Life was being THE MOVIE.
Yes - PTSS "is" real.
Yes - Thirty is not some easy thing for me. It may even be easier to be the movie.


*Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome