She Used to Know :: Admitting and Omitting Failure

She used to know who she was.
Sometimes she used to think she knew who she was.
And sometimes she used to dream of what she might be when she could still plan who she would become.
But now, when would she know?

The other night I laughed and my roommate asked just what was I on?
I answered "I finally gave up."

I finally gave up thinking I knew
Thinking I knew the path my life was to take
Thinking there was a plan I had to follow

I finally gave up control
Inch by inch releasing the hold I had on the noose securing me in this life
tieing me down and staying my course

I finally gave up worrying
What if? And how?
Now, I just don't know

I finally gave up
I finally let myself just fail, falter, and fall
Then decide to pick it up again, rearrange, and change

I finally gave up the answers
The right ones had become wrong
The test, the exam, the trial - no more - just life

I finally gave up the fight
Fighting me, arguing I, struggling against myself
Burn it all up - let resurrection begin

I finally gave up
I just gave it up
Staring at the foolishness of it all

I laughed.

New Day :: New Path

The path was a twisty, crooked, overgrown, shrinking road. Broken branches lie underfoot crackling softly beneath the weight of my feet. Green leaves wet with a light summer rain brush across my shoulders. A small stream idles ahead dammed with dead twigs placed there by adventurous boys. Gnarly trees reach down to tickle my lithe form.

Along the path I find a mug. A blue and white splattered paint covers the mug. There is a large chip in the lip which you can see the corroded metal underneath. I pick it up gently and rinse it in the stream. The water washes over the chip cleaning it out. Now, it shines silvery in the sunlight.

While washing the mug, something gleams on the rocky bed of the mountain stream. I reach down into the cold awakening waters and feel around smooth round polished stones. I grasp something flat and hard. Quickly, I pull it out into the light. Unlike the mug, it was neither corroded or colorful. It shiny, gold, and slippery. I put the golden key into the mug.

Crossing the stream, a dark form sidles out of the underbrush loping along. Its' rough and shaggy coat covered with sawdust. Standing still, I let the smiling bear pass me. Slowly, its' tousled head bent to lap up the clear, unpolluted water. After satisfying his thirst, he raised himself elegantly on his hind legs and shook the sawdust off. Then, bounded away majestically.

Taking the golden key out of the chipped mug, I dipped the mug beneath the bluish peaceful waters. My reflection shone up at me faintly. A skipper bug glided through its' ripples breaking my reflection up into little spots of color. I drank deeply of the cold water. Its' essence refreshing and replenishing my body. And like the bear, I too stood and shook my body, bounding over the stream.

Suddenly, a large wall stretched towards the pale sky ahead of me. Dark grey granite - An immense foreboding wall. The wall's surface was rough to my touch. Feeling along the wall, there was a hole. A key hole. I inserted the key into this hole cut expertly into this scratchy granote. The wall pushed itself aside. Streams of yellow radiant sunlight floated past me, warming the world. The path rambled on over green mountains past white waterfalls gushing. A new world to explore. Ahead, the bear waved me on.

Navigating San Francisco :: A Map of My Heart

Seems to me standing amidst the one way streets and no left turn signs, I can pinpoint the beginning and end of everyone of my relationships since I started life in this place commonly referred to as the city. When I think of a neighborhood, a face comes to mind. In fact, if it weren't for dating I believe I'd be eternally lost driving the wrong way down a one way street by now. Thank God for physical attraction - my hormonally driven inner compass.

Things that Suck :: My Pillow Book

Life Sucks
People Suck
I don't Suck

It Sucks
Apple Sucks
VW Sucks - even if it is a "Passat"

Driving Sucks
Walking Sucks
Pepsi Twist Sucks - whatever happened to old Coke?

Yellow Sucks
Orange sometimes Sucks
People who leave the toliet paper rolls off Suck except me because I have legitimate excuses

Cold Sucks
Hot Sucks
People who don't fuck off when you tell them to - they should suck

Night Sucks
Day Sucks
Getting your finger caught in the door Sucks

AOL Sucks
SBC Sucks
People who have cable modems suck except me because it's my roommates

Noise Sucks
Quiet Sucks
Having a backache because you know your breasts are too large Sucks

Doctors Suck
Tests Suck
Doctors losing your tests and finding them again only to have them turn out inconclusive Suck even more

Shopping Sucks
Not Shopping Sucks
Getting your skin hacked off by the shopping basket at Safeway - a suckable offense

Making Lists Suck
People who tell people making lists will make them feel better Suck
People who believe people who tell people making lists will make them feel better tetter on the verge of sucking - except you have to try once...

Things that don't Suck :: My Pillow Book

Life does not suck always
People do - really I've seen it.
And yes, I still don't suck

It can still suck but:

Flowers will always be pretty and still make me sneeze.

PS: Todd is probably the only one who will find the humor in this post. And there is humor...

It's not Starving - It's Food Conservation :: The New New Diet

It's not eating. It's not dieting. And most definitely never called starving. It's the New New Diet. I call it Food Conservation.

Food Conservation is the neo-cult of non-eating. I figure it's going to be a huge thing. It's hip. It's politically correct. And what's more, it's easily accessible to the masses. Food Conservation will cost you less than anyother diet out there. Food Conservation is far reaching. It blurs the color lines. You can too be a Food Conservationist. You don't need anyone's permission. You don't need to wear a uniform. And what more, you don't need any special gimmicks. Just say no to food!

Note to self:: Find a better slogan than just say no!

I'll naturally get all the anorexics on board. It's just what they're looking for - Someone to confirm what they knew all along. Non-eating is not starving - just looking good. The bulimics will be blackballed though. They're not much for conservation being that they waste the natural resource of food. Sure, they're thin but they blaspheme against the very dignity of foodstuffs. Indeed, we shall fight the plague of bulimia that is endangering all food everywhere. Especially ice cream and brownies. That will get us all the old harpies looking for a cause to fight in their Junior Leagues and Social Societies. They're for anything that will keep them herion thin without the unfortunate withdrawals. Through them we can spread the cult and indoctrinate others.

Note to self:: Develop super cool brainwashing techniques!

Next, we'll get that chick Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous to be our Spokesmodel. She hasn't eaten in years. She survives on cigarettes and Vodka. So we'll totally have sponsorship and backing. Tobacco Lobby and Alcohol. We'll have such a cool clubhouse!

Of course, we'll have to get coffee too. But we need the alcoholics because they're fun and it's easier to stay drunk when you conserve food. Come on, this group is just looking for validation of their three bottle a day Jack Daniels habit. We've got it - Food Conservation. So, we'll get them too. Can't forget to snatch up all those phen phen survivors. We can use our super cool brainwashing techniques that I develop on the overweight.

Geez, we can take over the world this way. World Domination through Conservation.

Might be good to draft some Great Depression survivors. The ones that didn't starve to death. They already know how to conserve. Of course, the ones who did die were true conservationists. Saints we could call them. Perhaps, beatifiy some.

After gathering a flock, the Food Network would be our next target. They waste good food all the time. Food should be kept in the refrigerator not set out on the table. For God's sake, someone might eat it there! Food belongs in the cupboards of America not breaking down within our stomachs. Just give food a chance.That's all I ask is give food a chance.

I ask you, how can we have all those animal activists and not consider the Food of the World. Food with noone to speak for it until now. We, the food activists, the food conservationists, people for a well stocked refrigerator...

Note to self :: Ummm, I'm hungry. A little more coffee please?

You May Call Me Satan :: A Letter to My Detractors


So…I have decided you may call me Satan. After some consideration on my part, a change may be in order. I’ve actually found it’s not the worst thing anyone could call me. Albeit, not too original. Myself, I feel it’s far too mundane. Personally, I favor Moloch. There’s such a dark, sinister, and dirty feel to the word. I can just smell the sin surrounding it. A much better description for the fiendish, plotting temptress that I am.

Now, I have to say being compared to the author of original sin (or, if you must say it "evil") does boost one’s ego immensely. If I feel a bout of low self-esteem coming on, I can now imagine myself as royalty. The Prince of Darkness, Prince of this World, and Prince of the Power of the Air just to name a few.

We, the evil genius, are pleased to be given such power by your words. The thought that I am now perceived as the root of all evil makes me feel smugly important. And reinforces my childhood belief that I am the center of all things.

But pray do not stop there. Might I suggest throwing in an "Adversary" here and a "Lucifer" there. Lucy for short if you need a change. I don’t mind at all. And oh, I rather like Angel of the Bottomless Pit. That one sure is a keeper. Although, it is rather long and tedious for you folk to wrap your tongue around. It’ll give you a little taste of what hell is all about.

No, really just do me a favor and bookmark my page in the thesaurus. Go ahead, pepper your language with a few new expletives everyday. It’ll do wonders for your vocabulary.

But if you do give the matter a small amount of thought (That’s called contemplation), you might come to what’s termed a conclusion.

I did.

Satan is a fallen angel.

Evil is the opposite of the perception of good.

Good is the opposite of the perception of evil.

If I be Satan? Who be you?

Good?… Angel?… God?…

And how long will your fall take?

But then again, we never stop falling do we?

God Hates Me :: And a myriad of excuses for not sitting down and writing a resume

Why must I hate it so? Some say it's my nature. I am the leisure class, and no matter what I cannot change my nature. But perhaps I can change my class. After all, I'm not Hindu. Vishnu hates me. He got Buddha to stop talking to me too. And we were so close to having tea! Nevermind Zeus won't take my calls. Friends have tried to get me on his calander to no avail. And Allah... Allah had been blocking all my IM attempts since friday.

Satan says it will pass. But then again, he's just after my soul. I really thought we had a connection too. Until I caught one of the lesser demons passing around a photo of my aura at the ten step meeting this week. I'm living a lie. You'd think that would be enough for Satan. But no! He has to leer at my corruption and pass it aound the locker room. I've had enough of it. If only Vishnu was still there for me. He really understood my pain. Still after that threesome with Mohammed - He's in denial. I told him not to do it. But oh no, he had to see if he had leanings.

No wonder God hates me.

He always had a crush on Vishnu. He just didn't know what to do about it until I took them to Kiva.

Help me Vishnu! Vishnu take me away.

He said he could take me away from all this. Little did I know I'd have to make a life in a lotus. They're quite constraining for space. And there's no DSL! So fuck that. He only has a land line. I'd totally consider it if he had satellite. Oh, and you can't hang pictures. Something about the landlord being worried about slight tears in the petals. I say just grow another. I mean what good is it being a deity if you can't have a professional portrait of yourself hanging above your mantelpiece.

Anyhow, he doesn't have a coffee shop near by. I'd die. I brought up the idea of getting a personal espresso machine. It seems Vishnu is very into the whole "I'll wait until someone reincarnates as an espresso machine and then I'll get one thing." He's a very morally correct Hindu. He has a reincarnated ice cream maker. Used to be Elvis Presley.

So much for Nirvana without coffee. It seems closer to being hell in that lotus. I mean, really! Eternal Happiness is not achievable without coffee. It seems the Leisure Class ain't that bad. After all, we have coffee. I guess I'll just hang out on the wheel of life a little longer